YOU turn to your side and slowly open your eyes. "Good morning..." He greets you with the gentlest smile. The tender light of the morning travels through the half-open curtains. Outside, the world is slowly waking up to a new dawn.
Fear of forever is fear of commitment. You know you want a relationship, but you hesitate when you realize the commitment. You believe that personal connections with other people are optional. You believe that relationships are more of a luxury than a necessity. You believe that you cannot sustain the feeling of love, anger, sadness and contentment - even stress, for a very long time. You reek with bitterness.
He moves in closer and finds your lips with his. You close your eyes again and run your fingers through his hair. It feels like the first time again. And you are no stranger to several first times. As you hold each other in silence, you open your eyes and contain your sigh. You see both your clothes intertwined on the bedroom floor, your shoes on top of his. You see his watch ticking towards 6:34am. You feel his warmth on that place on your bed that used to be empty. And you pray, you pray hard, that he would stay longer than a day. You close your eyes and wish - please let him be the last risk towards forever. You hold him tighter. You wonder. How long will this last? How long will you make him stay this time?
Once upon a time, you believed in romance. Long ago, you waited for destiny. You used to think that serendipity was not overrated. There was a time when you believed in forever and the possibility of living happily ever after. We are burned by relationships that do not work out. No one is spared. Sometimes, a scar is left to remind us of what happened. If you fear commitments, this is your scar.
How can you cure this fear? You cannot. You just have to learn to live with it. Or live around it.
Nobody can cure this type of fear. It lurks from behind the crevices of your heart and mind. Not even he with whom you spent the night with can cure this fear. You just have to learn to live with it. Even with corrective surgery, nobody can cure the memory of a scar.
Forever is a frightening word. It peers into the abyss of uncertainty. But forever does not exist the way you and I know it. It does not come like the infamous thief in the night. Nor does it arrive like a knight in shining armor. Scars are not there to remind us of how many failed "forevers" we have had. The scars are there to remind us of what we have learned. Do not reject the lesson you have learned.
You lie down, side by side, as you stare up at the ceiling. Light reflections from the busy morning world outside are playing with the shadows on the crumpled sheets and on your entwined bodies. You reach up, pretending to play with the cracks and lines on room's ceiling. He reaches for your hand and whispers, "Can I stay longer with you?"
Do not stare into the abyss. Survive one day at a time. Make it last for today and let tomorrow make its own leap. Just live through today. He may not cure your fear of forever... but he will make it a little more bearable if you let him.
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This one is for you Mommy Wina. :) May you find someone who’ll be with you forever.